Monday, March 7, 2011

Sorry for not being able to be faithful

Let us begin, as always, with a little history on the subject. According to the different cultures, laws and religions, the concept of loyalty and especially the repression of adultery vary completely. What risk was supposed to be unfaithful during ancient Egypt? And in ancient Rome? Today, are we equal in infidelity regardless of culture, religion or sex to which we belong?

Acceptance of loyalty has changed much over the ages. Although in Western societies today seem to accept it, is not true if we change our culture, society and gender.

Ancient traditions

In ancient Egypt, unfaithful women were sentenced to die by drowning, but they could be pardoned by her husband, it also had the right to kill her lover. According to the Assyrian laws, the husband could choose from: immediately kill the guilty, asking a judge to mutilate, or forgive. The Hebrews punished adulterous women, alone or with your lover by stoning. In case of the Greeks, in certain cities, the husband could kill the guilty or demand compensation.

In Athens, the husband had no obligation to be faithful, only women were repressed. Did not face death, but risked her husband divorced and the marginalized of society. In Rome, the punishment depended on the husband, the woman could be sentenced to death.

Fidelity in the Judeo-Christian moral

Among the Ten Commandments Moses prayed for the sixth states: "Thou shalt not commit adultery." With Christianity, said a little speech, Jesus said: "He who covets a woman with her eyes only, has already committed adultery with her heart." Note that, according to this moral, adultery of the husband is just as reprehensible in the case of women. Although in reality, things were not always so.

Infidelity against religious fundamentalism

In the film "Yol" Turkish filmmaker Yilmaz Güney tells the repudiation of an unfaithful wife who is abandoned in the mountains in the snow. In Iran, under the rule of Khomeyni, guilty of adultery were sentenced to death by stoning. In Afghanistan after the Taliban took power, any public disclosure of part of the body of a woman is synonymous with infidelity and death sentence ...


In Singapore, in 1985, the Prime Minister encouraged polygamy in order to increase the number of births. In some African countries, polygamy is, at the same time, an outward sign of wealth and a symbol of sexual power. In matrimonial matters, Islam allows men to have up to four wives and unlimited number of concubines. But, as in Jewish-Christian societies, Muslim societies are very strict about the marital infidelity of women.

Today, twenty-first century, we are in an age that cultivates self, and in which the individual is cornered between self-esteem and feelings for your partner. In our society today, is valued by both male and female, individual freedom, understood as the ability of individuals to have their own thoughts, attitudes and even activities. If this includes sex. We find a struggle between our reason and our instincts. Education, culture, values play an important role in decisions that affect the time to address this internal struggle. Fidelity versus infidelity.

Given that the notion of infidelity brings us back to the sacred bonds of marriage, one love, which is not easy to discard. Beyond the evolution of customs, culture or education, infidelity, when it occurs, is always difficult to manage. Not even as an excuse for the dialogue necessary to determine the causes and consequences. In Spain, in today's society, with a vision heavily influenced by Catholic morality, infidelity, this becomes a sin of difficult and impossible to use forgiveness as a tool for dialogue between partners.

Any message or unconscious?

Besides the lack of communication between partners or the need for reassurance narcissistic there are other reasons that lead to infidelity and not always consciously enunciated. "Deception is often the case after four years," explains Gonzague Masquelier psychotherapist. "Of course the sexual routine comes into play, but beyond that, when a person is another object of desire is what underlies an unconscious message, for example, lack of love, creativity or commitment, says the expert.

Most women who confess to having committed an infidelity do because they have the desire to feel reinvigorated by a new look. Need to be loved, won, again. As for men, "they are symbolically trapped between the image of the virgin and the prostitute," the doctor and sexologist Gérard Leleu. "Infidelity allows you to spread the love of eroticism," he says.

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Beyond the codes governing the conduct and speech, which comes into play in the infidelity is the issue of "self" and, of course, the implications of the couple. Why cheat? Why hurt the other or to reafirmarte? "Most of the time, conflicts dating back to childhood," said Leleu. The unloved or hurt child in us, still unsatisfied, pushes us to go arm in arm. If we become aware of this "children's programming," our need to feel comforted or to seduce constantly can be crushed and then you'll feel the need to increase relationships. Furthermore, "to find out what we find in the couple, we deprive it of the care they can strengthen it," says Masquelier.

"To confess or not?

The issue is delicate and there are no rules, but depends on the conviction of each. You can confess to infidelity if it is a true sign of distress in couples. A "does not work, in fact, I've been unfaithful" may be a way to start the conversation. Sometimes these lapses strengthen the marital bond.

To Leleu, "the drama of infidelity would accuse the other's own suffering." Appear mature is to take over the responsibility of both parties.

However, if the deception was the result of wanting to live an adventure and if, despite everything, love is still strong in the couple, then you can choose to say nothing, because the "slip" is a moment of individuality. If love has not been questioned, there is no deception or deceived. It is acting according to what you believe is best for the couple.

When does it start infidelity? Infidelity starts when one partner realizes that there are people around you attract attention, enough to consider a possible change of partner. At the moment we realize that our partner is not perfect, is not the best partner that we had thought. We began to dream with other people that if they appear to be. It is a mistake because we do not find someone better, but different. We idealized this person you've decided to share our lives, so much so that we become a being of our image and likeness, is not. And when we discovered that we do not like, and so deceive us, leading us to lose interest in playing with it.

If we choose to take the plunge and have an affair with another person, is because our moral bond with our partner is more or less consolidated. The less it is, will more easily to take the plunge and live the adventure that will become infidels. But the moral bond that was created at the time, with our partner, is fed to the communication, passion and feedback. If not, weaken and eventually die. Is the person who gives way to adventure, to infidelity, one hundred percent responsible for his act?. There is justification for every act. Even infidelity. As well as cause and consequence. We think that there are reasons and / or feelings that lead us to make our actions every day. What are leading us to commit an infidelity? As each person is different. But it has much to do with what we talked about before, Reason, Love, Desire, Correspondence, Illusion, Communication, Link ,..... and a long list

Infidelity is an act of aggression directed psychological and emotional person that we love and we swear allegiance and loyalty. Sometimes it's calculated plan to strike, of course, few people admit to the couple. Sometimes it is an impulsive act and carried out suddenly before assimilating the consequences of such conduct. The first example I gave is as we call him today to an extramarital affair and the second example is what is considered a simple adventure. Which really does not matter since in both cases are acts of infidelity and betrayal. In both situations, and sometimes gives the body the soul depending on whether the spouse believed to be in love or just doing it to satisfy a sexual attraction. The goal is the same, since it is a betrayal or act of aggression against our marriage and / or our partners.

After being discovered infidelity there is a crisis stage in the relationship. The betrayed person or the person aggrieved, at first refuses to believe he is cheating and generally said to himself can not it be? and having no other option than to face it, the person feels crushed, betrayed, humiliated, hurt, depressed, anxious, mocked, and often also feel anger and a desire for revenge, enter a number of other feelings. It should be noted that it is quite common for the aggrieved person wonder: why I had this happen to me? What have I done to deserve this deception? All these feelings are suitable as the betrayed person experiences a great loss to have an act of infidelity. Pain and other feelings that arise due to infidelity are very similar to the crisis we face due to the death of a loved one. Also, since we are experiencing a great loss, it is logical that there is also a time of mourning.

Mourning time involved saying goodbye to what you thought was the relationship a pure relationship, spotless and betrayal of others, or in other words, realizing that she is a perfect match as I used to think the person aggrieved or other perceived. You face and express the feelings of anger because of this great loss. As it is also necessary that the aggrieved person in front of her feelings of guilt and give full responsibility for the betrayal of the aggressor. This may be easier when the person committing the act of infidelity apologizes and takes full responsibility for the infidelity and the damage done to the relationship.

When the infidel calls for forgiveness from the heart, we must forgive, but this does not mean that their behavior is justified, or forgotten, is simply an act of forgiving someone who hurt us and are sorry. It is worth mentioning that this does not mean that the pardon was granted immediately because every individual needs to forgive his time and treated when the seriousness of the betrayal and the consequences of such conduct. Forgiveness does not mean that the person assaulted should or want to continue the relationship, the power to overcome the infidelity and again rely on a partner is another topic I'll discuss later.

On the other hand, there is no doubt that there will be situations where the unfaithful spouse ever take responsibility for their infidelity or to apologize without really feeling it, or worse, blame the person assaulted by her behavior. When there is this dynamic, this relationship does not have a good future. If the person assaulted chooses to stay in this relationship, it is easy to deduce that the offender will continue with their infidelities until death do them part. However, if the abused person decides to leave the relationship as a result of an affair is when even more important to forgive. Caber stress course that few people can or want to.

Unwillingness to forgive those who trespass against us is to carry luggage too heavy and emotionally, psychologically and spiritually harmful. We cling at all costs not to forgive because we feel we have control and power when actually given control and power to the aggressor. For example, feelings of anger are latent within us and these feelings we are tying the aggressor and we remain binding until death, if we let it. Dogged us not to forgive because that would mean we are weak, which would remove value which we suffered damage and likewise we remain their victims. We deny forgiveness to do as we "suffer" as they often have been forgotten about us and have started a new life. In our hearts we make them suffer but if we are honest, we suffer because we are carrying this heavy burden.

Forgiving the infidel does not necessarily translate into an act to benefit the aggressor is an act of kindness toward yourself and you who will benefit. This does not mean you should have minimal contact with the person who hurt you, which you can forgive with the thought, and he promised not to hold a grudge, carry and avoid any feelings of anger and revenge, and so it does not allow the aggressor to continue attached to you in any way. Of course it's easier said than done, but if you're willing to break free of negative feelings that make you much harm and want to overcome this act of aggression, we need to forgive to heal. And only if you are able to forgive the other person completely, you will be able to find the inner peace necessary to overcome the grief and rebuild your life. Implies renewed free of hatred and resentment, in all aspects of life, but especially in the relationships.

Courage and forth, you have my support, as always. Although I have to tell you that for me, someone who has always believed in loyalty, he has practiced, justified and defended. As for many people, who have not suffered, we will never know how it would affect us. It is very easy to talk theory, but we should see each other in practice. For this, I do not get to commit infidelity, because I like to see me committed.

So, from our single status. Since we have a moral bond with any partner, it is possible to fall into infidelity. And also, because if you did, you'd be cheating the rest. So to stay true to all your potential partners should have the moral bond with all, or none.